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Before you read this book, there are a few things we’d like to share, to help you connect with the material and apply it. Let’s start with where you may be in your marriage and what’s in this book that addresses it.

Do you feel unknown in your marriage? Have you hit roadblocks to becoming one? Do you feel unheard, misunderstood, and unknown? Are you unable to come up with joint decisions? Do you long to connect with your spouse on a deeper level, but don’t know how? Do you have unmet needs you’d love to discuss with your spouse, but can’t? Do you struggle to manage conflict well? Do you have those topics you skirt around, because you’ll clash if you go there? Do you wish you could easily communicate about spiritual, personal, marital, and family growth? Does this resonate with you?

We’ve found that communication problems hinder couples from finding their “We” – their blend of “He” + “She.” As we have worked with couples over the years, we’ve discovered rules for communication that help couples navigate difficult conversations. Whether your communication struggle is minor or explosive, sticking to rules helps keep conversations within bounds. And talking within bounds keeps us on track toward our destination of knowing and being known, as we blend two into the one God created us to become as a unique, married couple.

  We’ve seen couples find each other again, as they’ve learned to smooth out their communication with these simple rules. As you do this communication journey, prayerfully consider what application might look like in your conversations. While some couples can come up with rules together, others are frozen and can’t discuss them. Either way, we have questions and action points for you to pray over, as you consider how to improve your own contribution and work together with your spouse for healthy communication.

  These rules apply to various types of relationships in addition to marriage, but they may need to be adjusted depending on the depth of that specific relationship. For example, we desire to blend into one in marriage, but wouldn’t make the same adjustments for a coworker or extended-family member. However, good timing, reflecting a speaker’s message, and empathetically connecting are examples of rules that would apply to communication in other relationships. In this book, we will apply communication rules specifically to marital communication, but notice how they also work well for other relationships.

As you consider applying these rules, be aware that they may not improve communication in toxic, abusive relationships, which are outside the scope of this book. These rules benefit couples who are willing to refrain from destructive behavior, including, but not limited to, belittling remarks, yelling, name-calling, cursing, degrading conversation and/or actions that cause the spouse to feel abused. If a spouse feels it is abusive, it is abusive! It is not okay to minimize or dismiss the spouse’s experience and continue doing harm. Healthy communication does not happen in a toxic environment. We will mention this in various sections, but please keep it in mind throughout. If this applies to you, please, seek counsel and be safe!

  You will notice our presentation is from a biblical perspective. Our hope is that you will grow in relationship with God during your journey of marital healing. He created us, and He came up with the idea of marriage. His word, the Bible, is His marriage manual, and healthy patterns and pathways are woven throughout it. We believe that marriage reflects our relationship with God, and vice versa. If something is happening in one, it is likely happening in the other. As we grow in our walk with God, it impacts our relationship with each other, and being healthy spiritually supports healthy relationships.

  We like to think of using rules in communication like playing a game. While communication is no game, rules keep everyone on the same page with the same goal and create expectations of how it will play out. There is an orderliness to the rules, and doing some of them, but not others, might not return the results you’d like. For example, you might share positively and briefly with bad timing for your spouse, and get a frustrated response in return. Or, you might pick a great time, but explode all over your spouse, and not feel heard….

  There is a dance to communication. We both contribute to its rhythm and flow and set up the responsive move from our spouse. If your marriage has a less-than-desirable dance, why not change it? We suggest reading this book from the position of self-adjustment, rather than spouse adjustment, and learning with curiosity about your spouse’s inner world. Growing in knowing each other allows us to welcome personal exposure and avoid unintended discomfort and pain.

  You may be using this book without your spouse joining you. That’s okay. You can use these rules to understand when and how to fill the speaker and listener roles. Your adjustments just might facilitate a corresponding shift from your spouse.

  We hope you will go through this book with your spouse. For best results, lay aside your old ways of communicating to pick up something different. As you learn to weave together into a new pattern, you’ll use the included script for addressing communication roadblocks first, moving to needs later. The script is a verbal straight jacket for communication, like a cast for a broken bone. As communication heals, avoid putting too much weight on it too quickly. Stick rigidly to the script initially, expanding it as your relational communication heals and strengthens enough to support complex, multi-faceted conversations. Notice the implementation of rules throughout the script. Communicating by the rules repairs the communication mechanism on which we place our topics. If the mechanism is causing damage, remove the topic and repair the mechanism before proceeding.

  After each rule, you will find “Personal Reflection” and “Action Points” sections. The “Personal Reflection”section is intended for you to use independently, as you prayerfully consider your own perspectives and position relative to your spouse, and how you might adjust to improve your personal speaking and listening skills for marital communication. The “Action Points” section includes steps you could take to apply that rule to the way you communicate. You could discuss these together if your relationship supports it, but don’t force it. Discuss them to the extent it feels safe for each of you. The goal here is to implement the rules efficiently and effectively as a team and to facilitate incremental conversations about your communication. If your communication does not support it, journal your responses. Avoid discussing your responses together until you’ve made enough communication repairs to do so safely.

  You may have already noticed there are lots of rules! Why so many rules? Just as we suggest couples break down their topics into pieces, so we have broken down communication into its pieces to examine each one individually. We hope to highlight each small step in the conversation, so you can easily recognize it, because overlooking one of them opens a door to the negative spiral. So, we ask for your patience and believe it’ll all come together for you in the end.

  The rules are grouped into categories. Rule 1 stands alone, because if you don’t agree you need rules, why proceed?

  Rules 2 through 10 are all about positioning for the conversation. Think of it like training with the coach to develop skills for game time. Don’t rush this phase, but spend some time here to work independently on yourself. During this phase, choose to exit arguing, because if it’s not working, why do it? It doesn’t get you what you want, but it does increase relational distance and disconnect. Refraining from arguing allows you to catch your breath and heal. Use this time to focus on rebuilding the friendship side of your marital relationship, shifting your thoughts toward gratitude for what you have, and off what you don’t have. In addition, add a few dashes of caring gestures to bring in some positivity.

  After creating the right mindset for the game, Rules 11 through 15 prepare for game time. It’s what happens in the locker room before heading out to the field. Skipping out here leads to a poor startup. What message will we share, and how will we share it? How will we catch the right message and make a successful connection with it?

  Next, let’s take an intermission and insert a few thoughts before proceeding. Here, you’ll find “The Script.” This is the backbone of all the rules, connected and flowing together in skeletal form. Please, print a copy for each of you to use while you’re learning to restructure your communication. 

  Rules 16 through 28 walk you through applying gentle, surface-level topics on this simplistic mechanism. It feels awkward and overly simple, yet it is sufficient to support couples in finding their way to meaningful conversations by removing communication roadblocks, one at a time. These are steps with boundaries to guide communication along a healthy footpath toward breakthrough, but it must be used properly, in context with all the rules. These steps, along with the next set, should be repeated until sufficient roadblocks are removed, so you can travel farther down your communication pathway. Grab a journal to take notes as you use these rules, so you don’t lose your tools.

Rules 29 through 31 apply all the work completed in the previous set of rules. Here, you’ll work as a team instead of playing solo. These rules address in-the-moment changes needed to stay in the game. Without them, couples blame each other for never changing: “My spouse said he/she wanted to do this for me, but never does!” Without team support, we’re playing alone on the sidelines. You’ll want to skillfully apply the tools you’ve discovered to halt harm in the “We” zone when play goes out of bounds.

  The last set, Rules 32 through 34, cover expanding the script into talking about needs, developing a maintenance plan, and growing deeper. As you stabilize, you’ll want to regularly evaluate your relationship to avoid slipping back into old, default patterns. As trust rebuilds, developing a growth pattern solidifies all your hard work. Lastly, we’ll cover expanding the script to discuss more difficult topics.

  After all the rules, we share a scriptural treasure we hope you’ll enjoy. These patterns and pathways are not new. They’re woven throughout God’s word in various relationships. This is a sample we hope gets you started on a journey of discovery in your personal Bible study. God’s word is deep, and it contains meaning beyond the obvious. There is the story, the story behind the story, the parable, the deeper meaning, hidden treasure, the meat to savor. Take time to soak in His word. Allow it to bathe you. We pray you’ll taste God’s truth and see that it is good.

  Don’t miss the examples for how to use the script and how to expand it to more challenging conversations. You’ll find information on how to unravel mess-ups, make joint decisions, address complex issues, reveal yourselves on a deeper level, and share goals and dreams. Once you understand the rules that transport couples into healthy communication, you’re on your way to intriguing destinations of deeper understanding and marital intimacy.

  We pray you find these rules helpful. Don’t hesitate to reach out with questions and comments via the contact form on our website. We’d love to hear your feedback.

  Next, check out the overview in chart form. Hopefully, this will pull it all together for you and serve as an easy reference.

  This material can be used individually, as a couple, and as a small group, so we’ve laid out a 10-week small-group plan for flowing through it. Check out this last section, and adjust it to your specific group. You don’t have to know all the information yourself! Look for information about the Communicating by the Rules videos to facilitate your group’s meetings.

  What an amazing journey God has called us to as we unite two into one for Him to fill us to overflowing into the lives of those around us!

  Are you ready? Let’s begin with: Why do we need rules?