START HERE
“He + She = We,” so the work we do with couples relates to finding “We:”your unique blend of “He + She.”
Regardless of your goal, we recommend starting here to lay a foundation for reaching it. This page is for couples who’d like to improve their marriage on their own. We’ve laid out a plan just for you!
Below are steps we use that have been very effective and efficient for helping couples improve their relationship, regardless of where they are on the spectrum of relating. Which best describes the journey you’d like to take:
extremely negative to less negative
negative to neutral
neutral to positive
positive to intimate
Wherever we start, there are hurdles between where we are and where we want to be. The intensity varies depending on where we are on the spectrum of marital relationship. However, while the details vary from couple, the dynamics are similar because we have a male and female in the intimate relationship of marriage. Who tells us how to avoid the pitfalls and find the pathway that leads to marital oneness? We didn’t know and fell into them ourselves! Our hope is to help others avoid the marital pitfalls or come out of them and repair the damage. Once we’re on stable ground, we can deepen our relationship. If you have questions, reach out to us via our contact page.
STEP 1
Order our new book! Use the book alongside the videos. It’ll help pull it all together and give some behind-the-scenes reasons for the process. See the reading plan below to weave it with the videos.
Are your conversations like playing a game without rules? We have written a book about that: Communicating by the Rules: Remove Roadblocks, Refuel & Restore Relationships.
Imagine a football game with unspoken rules, made up as the game moves along. Players are penalized, even when they don’t know a rule exists. Everybody doesn’t have to play by the rules, but everybody is judged by them.
Sounds like a mess, right? This is happening with communication, and we wonder what went wrong. Conversations go out of bounds, and it isn’t okay. There are so many topics in play, we don’t know what we’re talking about anymore.
Rules pair his and her expectations, so we’re playing the same game the same way with the same goal. While communication is no game, it needs rules to keep it in bounds and accomplish its goals. In this book, we’ll walk through basic rules for communication to help you discover your unique rules and apply them to various types of conversations. We’ll lay out expanding communication to support stabilizing, healing, and deepening your relationship.
STEP 2
Watch these his and her videos.
Step 3: Print the handouts for our 6-part self-help video series:
STEP 4: Meet with us!
Watch the following videos together or individually. Study the material and do the homework in each. Spread them about two weeks apart for best results. Weekly is too much too fast, while every three weeks or beyond results in loss of momentum. You could wait about doing Meeting 6 until three to six months after Meeting 5.
It takes time to break old habits and establish new ones, so don’t get discouraged when you slip into your old ways at times. Just keep working through it together, humbly, and with a lot of grace. Note: This program does not work well when there is emotional, verbal, or other abuse present.
MEETING 1
In Communicating by the Rules, read the “Preface,” “Introduction,” Rule 1, “Personal Positioning,” and Rules 1 through 10. In the “Examples” section of the book, read “Create Atmosphere for Communication.” Work through the “Personal Reflection” and “Action Points” for each section.
MEETING 2
In Communicating by the Rules, read “Preparing for Startup,” and Rules 11 through 15, “Before We Proceed,” and “Script for Resolving Issues.” In the “Examples” section of the book, read “Prepare for Conversation.” Work through the “Personal Reflection” and “Action Points” for each section.
MEETING 3
In Communicating by the Rules, read “The Conversation,” Rules 16 through 28, “The Hard Work of Application,” and Rules 29 through 31. In the “Examples” section of the book, read “Using the Script to Address Communication Roadblocks,” “Applying the Roadblock Tool,” and “Misuse of the Script.” Work through the “Personal Reflection” and “Action Points” for each section.
MEETING 4
In Communicating by the Rules, read “Staying on Track,” Rules 32 through 34, and “Patterns and Pathways in the Bible.” In the “Example” section of the book, read “Addressing Needs,” and “Applying the Need Tool.” Work through the “Personal Reflection” and “Action Points” for each section.
MEETING 5
In Communicating by the Rules, read “Unraveling Mess Ups,” “Joint Decision Making,” and “Addressing Complex Issues.” Work through the “Personal Reflection” and “Action Points” for each section.
MEETING 6
In Communicating by the Rules, read “Self-Revelation” and “Shared Goals and Dreams.” Work through the “Personal Reflection” and “Action Points” for each section.
STEP 5
How did it go? If you were diligent to do the homework and keep a steady pace, we suspect you’ve seen an improvement. We pray you will continue growing together to find your “We.” Would you tell us about it? We’d love to hear your experience! Below are some additional resources:
