Where Do We Begin?

Have you lost sight of who your spouse is now and wonder what happened to the person you married?  If you’re really struggling to even communicate, you probably need to back off.  That may sound counter-intuitive, but if you’re having trouble hearing your spouse’s heart and being heard, you’re probably stepping on each other’s emotional toes without realizing it – and this creates increasing distance. If the way you communicate isn’t working, it’s likely it’s hurting the relationship, so why not set it aside and pick up something new?

Take a time out from bringing up issues, so you can both reposition, heal, and engage in a way that increases the likelihood you’ll be heard.  During this time, study Scriptures about the husband, wife, and marriage (Genesis 2, Ephesians 5, and 1 Peter 3) and focus on spiritual growth.  We’ve noticed that couples tend to experience in their marriage what’s going on spiritually in their relationship with the Lord.  Becoming more sensitive to Holy Spirit and growing in relationship with God has a way of changing the heart toward the spouse and opening the door to see ourselves more clearly.  Understanding God’s design and plan for marriage creates a solid foundation for building a healthy relationship.

Also, work on having unconditional love and acceptance toward your spouse as-is.  This must be the perspective from which we work on issues.  However, this can be difficult with layer after layer of offenses that blur our perspectives, resulting in negative re-characterization of the spouse.  Once this is in place, we respond conveying rejection which creates distance and blocks growth.  Unconditional love and acceptance build trust and convey we have our spouse’s best interests at heart helping him/her to let their guard down to really listen – and to find “We,” we have to really listen.  Allow the Lord to work in you the kind of love He showed when you were yet in your sin.  Could you love your spouse that way – in the face of offense?  (Note we are not addressing abuse – which would require a different course of action.)

Additionally, come up with a list of 10 positive qualities about your spouse, and thank God and your spouse for them. Think on these things (Philippians 4:8) and refuse to allow negative thoughts against your spouse.  If you struggle with controlling negative thoughts against your spouse, take captive disobedient thoughts and make them obedient to Christ’s way of thinking. (2 Corinthians 10:3-5) Stopping the negativity and starting positivity begins in your thoughts.  Take up the sword of the Spirit which is the Word of God, and do battle against the words of the enemy.  You and your spouse are on the same team.  Silence the accuser, and allow God to heal and restore. 

Check out our marital self-help videos for more information and steps for a self-help pathway.  It takes a lot of self-control to break the negative spiral and turn that around, but it’s worth it to find each other again.

Written by Shawn & Rhonda Bardon